This Hasn't Happened in a While

But seriously. And what will that be?

In the midst of rapid change - graduation from William and Mary (there was a time I thought this might never come), a move to North Carolina, free time for lack of employment or schoolwork, sending out my resume, leaving the first place that opened its arms to me as a new yoga teacher. It seems as though I have had infinite amounts of free time and yet, why does it feel like I haven't processed any of it? Activities I enjoy (writing, etc.) have taken a backseat to - what exactly? Time to reign it in.

For the last seven years of my life, I have been a student. Much has happened, but generally speaking my status as a student has been a constant with a brief interlude. Maybe it took me so long to figure out how to do it right, finishing my final semester with almost straight A's (huzzah!). While I'm thrilled to be finished, it feels terribly unfair that I finally figured it out and now it is just over. There is so much good in the world and in my life, and yet I suddenly can't help but feel that I am floundering. Two such strong and contrasting emotions - how do you find peace when change, fear, confidence, uncertainty, joy, sadness, apprehension, faith..are all happening at once. 

They are all fighting for the win but they just keep smacking into one another causing chaos and confusion.

What helps you adapt? Where do you turn when there is so much uncertainty? They say an idle mind is the devil's workshop. In the past this has proven true -with no responsibility it is terribly effortless to get sucked into a favorite television show and sit around all day, let your yoga practice go by the wayside, let fear get in the way of putting yourself out there - it becomes so natural to get caught in a vicious cycle of laziness and lack of effort or activity.

So you fill your time. You must not allow yourself to sit and do nothing. You must take a step towards what is next - whatever that may be? Any step at all.

You thank your lucky stars for the other constants that remain. 

Family.

Love.

Good health.

Food to put on the table.

A warm bed to sleep in.

A roof over your head.

Love (worth mentioning twice).

Amidst internal chaos, struggle to find where you should go next, what you should do, what path to take - these are consistent and hold true - and though it is easy to forget you must remind yourself how fortunate you are to have them.

 Someone recently asked me - If money was of no concern? What would you do? 

Could it be that simple? Can it really be that simple? 

But really - What do you think?

Can two aspects of ones personality - love of comforts, shopping, pretty things (that money is needed for) and love of yoga, simplicity, local businesses - exist and come to peace with one another? 

What if guilt surfaces when one or the other starts to take the lead?

So today I take time to remind myself and you, my dear friend - slow down and take a deep breath. 

Come what may - love it. 

Try to accept it with love and a smile - it could be worse. 

You are entirely up to you - don't let a little chaos and confusion get in the way of that.

Sending love wherever needed. 

What distracts you during your practice?

I'm truly interested. What distracts you during your practice?

Every day we run around in our fast-paced society - from place to place, responsibility to obligation, taking care of things for others - often times neglecting adequate care of ourselves. How can you continue to operate this way unless you stop the cycle and take a few moments for yourself? So you go to yoga, brilliant. You have taken the first, and often the hardest step by getting into the car, driving to the studio, and laying down your mat.

If you aren't taking the time each day to step away from the exhausting cycle that is eat, sleep, work, repeat -
Take a moment to tell yourself:
Self-care is not an option, it is a requirement. You have an obligation to care for yourself - mind, body, and soul.

So you made it to the studio, then what happens? You find a comfy Savasana, attempt to shut the mind off, and prepare for the physical practice. The breath begins to help you draw attention towards parts of your body that may not have received much love or attention during your busy day. You had a headache, but why? Then you take notice of the tension you are feeling in your neck - after all, you do carry a 10 pound head around on that neck all day, it is no wonder it is feeling a bit tired. You roll over and press back into child's pose, turn your head to the side, extend the arms palms facing up by the hips, and let that weight melt into the ground. 

The knot between your shoulders from crouching over the computer all day. 
The pressure and throbbing in the feet from standing for eight hours at work. 
You send the breath there. By doing this, you are already providing the gift of fresh, healing, restorative energy to otherwise neglected areas of your body.

The moving meditation begins. The fire you stoked within through the breath begins to spread through the limbs, helps you feel into the body. The legs burn, the arms feel tired, the core might collapse.
 Inhale to lengthen - exhale to surrender. Inhale to make space - exhale to soften the face and the gaze.
The initial tension passes and the beautiful dance between breath and movement keeps you flowing. The heat moves through the skin and trickles down your face in the form of sweat. Do you wipe it away? Or do you simply acknowledge it and continue flowing? Something might be coming up - you are furious that your teacher has kept you in Warrior II for this long. Your front leg quivers - you want to straighten it - you don't want to be there anymore.

Let whatever it is come up. Acknowledge it. Move past it. Find the breath.
It's just yoga.

You come to the balancing series and you are wobbling. The arches of your feet are tired. You are holding your breath, furrowing the brow, tensing the face. The frustration builds on itself. You look to your right and there is that flawless yogi (you know the one) - with the calm smile on their face, not even sweating, perfect alignment, not a care in the world - you find this annoying. You begin to wonder how long they have been practicing yoga..why you don't look how they look in a certain posture..you fall over.

Draw your attention inward. Everyone is at a different place in their own journey. You're at yoga for you, not for them. Do yourself a favor - allow the time you take away from your daily cycle to be just for you. There is nothing wrong with being a little selfish every once in a while.

The practice comes to a close and you find yourself in Savasana again, but this Savasana feels much different than the first. This juicy, delicious surrender is where moving meditation reaches mental stillness. The place you long for in the midst of the burn. Your mind will want to gravitate towards whatever is coming next. Let yourself find calm and deep silence in your mind and body in the present moment. 

What distracts you?
Whatever it may be, don't disregard that feeling, emotion, or sensation. Let it be there for a moment. Tell it that you see it there -and if it does not serve you simply let it go.

Even that seemingly perfect yogi..is not perfect.

Allowing yourself to acknowledge whatever comes up and move past it on your mat will help you do the same in your daily life. The angry driver on your daily commute - might make you laugh instead of honk. Others perception of you - may not matter anymore. When life is turned upside down - you may find it is easier to embrace the difficulty that often shows up in times of change.


When it gets hard?
Return to the breath. Return to a meaningful mantra. Return to your intention. Smile.
It's just life.

Listen to your body, or it will force you to

It sounds so simple and yet many people don't even think twice about it. That includes myself..as I sit here with a virus that is forcing me to 'take it easy', my fiance is trying to convince me not to run the half marathon I already registered and paid for tomorrow. Excuse me but no way in hell will I waste the $75 I paid for a bib, t-shirt and excuse to go visit my beautiful sister in Charlotte, NC. 

It took me two weeks of feeling relatively awful before I actually even went to the doctor to make sure nothing was seriously wrong. Exhausted with a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes the most energy I exerted all day today was leaving the house for lunch. 

As I have begun teaching, I have realized that I have experienced few things more fulfilling than guided a group of people through their practice. I leave the studio after teaching a class with a greater yoga high than I have ever felt from my own personal practice. I feel so light, overflowing with love and gratitude that I may actually levitate. While the experience has been life changing and exhilarating, it has also challenged me and led me to many eye opening conclusions about myself. 

Fact: While it is important to challenge yourself, it is more important to surround yourself with love and support. If someone is subtracting from the confidence you have in yourself, whether that be the direction in which you have chosen to take your life or a general lack of support-you do not need to be around them. If they truly love you they will believe in your dreams. Listen to your heart. 'Set your life on fire' then allow those who gravitate towards support in the direction of your dreams to be the ones you hold most dear.

Let yourself slow down. Meditate on this: Your body sends you subtle messages all the time. You know what is best for yourself but people rarely let go of their ego long enough to suppress the little voice inside that guides us. Your knee hurts? Maybe you shouldn't go for that 10 mile run today. Have a headache? Perhaps you shouldn't stare at your computer screen for three hours tonight. Exhausted because you have only slept four hours per night the last week? Turn off the television, phone, computer and other stimulating devices, read a book instead and let yourself rest. Are you guilty of this? Because I certainly am. What with the changing season, midterms at school, training for running races, and whatever else it is going on in life it is easy to miss the subtle signs. They get pushed aside until BAM, you are sick for two weeks, and illness or injury occur. Your body says, 'not going to listen to me? Fine! Take THAT!' 

I like to think that I have gotten better at listening to my body. When I feel like going for a run, I do. If my feet hurt, I put down my mat and have 60-90 minutes of yoga. If the thought of doing either of these things stresses me out at all, I go for a long walk. Due in large part to swimming my entire life I feel that I grew up with much more body awareness than the average person (thanks mom and dad). But I also have highly competitive siblings from whom I learned that you cannot reach your athletic goals unless you push yourself past your comfort zone (thanks Danny and Jackie). 

There is a happy medium here folks. Care for yourself because nobody else will. Take time to reconnect with your body or it will force you to. Love yourself, or you'll end up like me..two weeks into a virus still feeling tired with a sore throat sitting inside all day because my body said 'enough is enough'. 

I hear you body..message received.

Will I be running that half marathon tomorrow you ask..? We'll see how I feel in the morning ;)

What helps you feel grounded?

MindBodyGreen: signs-your-grounding-chakra-is-out-of-whack-what-to-do-about-it

This got me thinking..

Funny! Yoga teachers (myself included) use visualizations referencing trees when trying to help students become more grounded in class. Being grounded is remarkably important in your life and on your mat and can be extremely difficult to access at times. Have you ever been well into a yoga practice and get to a balancing sequence to find that you cannot for the life of you stay balanced (cue frustration, cursing under your breath, rolling eyes, looking at others)?

The arch nemesis of your first chakra is FEAR, so it makes sense that anxiety, stress, restlessness, worry, and exhaustion are directly associated with a faulty first chakra. It's easy once we taste that fear to get stuck in the vicious cycle that can take you to emotional, inconsistent and unreliable places. 

Fun facts about the first chakra (courtesy of Shannon Harty):

(the colors of the chakras are the same as those of the rainbow from bottom to top!) so...

Color: Red

Sense: Smell

Location: Base of the Spine

Element: Earth

Animal: Elephant

Physical dysfunctions associated with the first chakra:

Chronic back pain

Sciatica

Varicose veins

Cancer

Depression

Immune related disorders

The first chakra is the energy center where you find connection to the Earth, things greater than yourself, friends, family, and where your sense of home is. If you are experiencing some kind of turmoil, or your world has been turned upside down, it's quite possible that will translate into your yoga practice and largely the way you relate to others. Finding your connection with family and the unit of support physically and emotionally can help you open yourself up to a world of possibilities you didn't know existed. It is much easier to balance on one leg, your big toes, or the top of your head if you are wholeheartedly confident that you are loved, supported, and connected to the Earth and your friends and family.

I've been in a place where I felt I was missing my 'tribe'. I made some not so advisable decisions and in turn had very little communication with my family for many months. I literally did not speak to the people who love me most in this world for months. I wondered when I practiced yoga during this time if I was ever going to find stability in my balancing postures. I swayed at the very thought of closing my eyes in Tadasana, as if the ground would literally drop from beneath me if I let my guard down for a single moment. I had constant back pain, migraines, sleepless nights, bouts of depression, and very upsetting thoughts about myself (I was a hot mess). My father was diagnosed with cancer during that time and that shook the ground beneath my feet even further. Every bone in my body told me 'enough' and I forced myself to take a step. ONE step is all it takes to start to find lightness and connection again. I am not a tree..I moved, I changed where I was in my life and through those changes I began to heal and find what I was missing. 

Experiencing any of these physical dysfunctions? What to do, what to do..?

Go for a walk..or run..a skip..go to a park..just go outside. Leave your phone in your house while you're at it. Let yourself disconnect from whatever text you are waiting to receive, phone call you feel you need to make, or email you need to check. There is unending beauty surrounding you at every turn. Just allow yourself to acknowledge that beauty and let it surround your mind, body, and soul. Breathe it in. Breathe it all in. Breathe in all of the fresh air and new energy that you possibly can. Exhale out the negative thoughts, frustration, and worry. Nature, love, and gratitude can be humbling, and it can bring you back from very dark places. Opening yourself to these things can help you feel grounded and supported. Think very hard, find at least one thing that makes you feel calm, supported, truly loved and build from there.

And/Or...

I challenge you someday soon to do a short yoga practice (maybe a few sun salutations to connect movement with breath and warm up your body..and throw a few balancing postures in there). Then stop. Take a break..and roll the arches of your feet out on a tennis ball. Then use your hands, press into all corners of your feet with your thumbs and really give your feet a little love. Return to your mat and do the same practice again and focus in on the changes. You will FEEL the difference physically, but you can find that same connection without the physical stimulation. Standing tall and proud in Tadasana close your eyes. Imagine you are a tree and roots are growing from your feet deep into the Earth.  Growing, extending, spreading out these roots build in strength and size until you are firmly planted in the ground. You are one with nature. One with the world around you.

Family, tribe, clan, kinship..whatever you want to call it you need it and it is the most important thing in your life. Cherish your friends and family because everything else is built upon that and nothing matters without it. The chakras begin at the base of the spine extending down through your legs and into your feet. Energy flow begins in your physical body with grounding. 

Studying yoga and my journey through teacher training has helped me come to terms with the struggle I had with myself. I have never felt more supported and loved in my life and that begins with the love and appreciation I have for myself and others. 

Find your stillness, security, and stability. 

You have everything you need, use it to find your greater connection.

Breathe. Love. Breathe again.

What helps you feel grounded? Go get more of it!

Work with the present moment

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

How my yoga practice has developed Part II:

So I made it through my first hot yoga class, and although it didn't stick with me right away I did take something from it. I went home and bought a few yoga and pilates videos off of amazon.com. Now, I'm not trying to say that there isn't a time and place for 'at-home yoga videos' but that didn't work for me either. 

There is something to be said in the beginning of your yoga practice for actually going to a studio, and the energy produced by a group of people with a common purpose. By leaving your home and going to a designated place that provides that energy for you, yet another roadblock towards relaxation, connection, and looking inward is removed. In the little sanctuary that is a yoga studio, you can walk into a room and disengage from technology, anger, fear, worry, and stress. 

You can inhale and draw new energy into your body, the exhale provides a more fulfilling release of toxins that build up from the unnecessary aggravation caused by worry, fear and stress (a.k.a. life).

Now it is very true and I started to realize at a very difficult time that: In order to continue growing as a person, you have to be a little bit selfish.

Even though I had a hard time doing yoga in my room (with my computer right behind me, my cell phone on silent but still vibrating, and the presence of all my belongings to remind me of heavy thoughts hanging over my head), I did stick with the pilates. It was through at-home pilates videos that I began to feel connected with my body once again. A back injury, weight gain, and an anxiety towards eating led to a complete lack of caring for myself mentally and physically. I had stopped growing as a person because I did not feel I was worth it.

Now I will tell you: You are WORTH it. You are ALWAYS worth it. It does not matter where you are in your life, or what you are going through. It is vitally important that you understand you deserve it. All of the good, the love, the happiness can be yours if you begin to understand that you are worth it. 

I have been at a place where I have felt constantly vulnerable, sad, lonely, and thought the entire world was judging me. Going through a hard time, I began to come to the realization that I was in control of my life. I know now that none of the negative matters and the most important persons opinion of you is your own. If someone feels they need to release their anger and frustration onto you, it is because of something that is going on with them and has very little to do with you. 

Core engagement is essential in a yoga practice, and is an important step towards a connection with the rest of your body and your body alone. We are all unique and beautiful. Finding a connection to my core led to a deeper understanding of myself. This was the first step towards realizing that I needed to begin caring for myself. 

Take hold of your life. 
Find a strong connection with your body. 
Live through love, because it just may change you. 
Be present, because whatever you are feeling or experiencing in this very moment matters.
And don't forget to focus on your breath.

How a yoga practice develops, evolves, and changes with your life is a beautiful thing

How my yoga practice has developed: 

PART I

So for a little background-

I took my first hot yoga class with my best friend Megan Berke at Body Balance Studio in Williamsburg, Virginia in the midst of a very difficult time in my life. I had recently disengaged from swimming, the sport I have practiced and competed in my entire life. Swimming helped define who I was as a person. Losing this important aspect of my life led me to feeling disconnected from myself, my surroundings, and all people around me. I was getting ready to drop out of college, feeling that I had no direction and no purpose. Needless to say, I was a hot mess. I had no confidence, trouble with eating, insomnia, and felt strong pangs of anxiety merely leaving my room each day.

In the first class I remember thinking;

 'I'm standing here sweating my ass off, and I keep falling over. What am I supposed to be getting out of this? Everyone must know I've never done this before. Why isn't that girl sweating? How is she so flexible? Megan looks so relaxed. Why are all these mirrors in here? I look awful. WHY do I keep falling over!?'

Now..I wonder why I kept falling over..

Every single part of me was fighting the practice and the environment I was in. I was far to interested in everything that was going on around me, refusing to look inward at the real problems at hand..needless to say, I didn't go back to yoga for a while. I wasn't ready. I may not have lit the fire that day, but I like to think I at least took a match out of the box. I wasn't ready for what yoga could have done for me and my life. It would have been too hard to try to confront the vulnerability I was feeling in all aspects of my life. It would have been too hard to admit to myself that I was moving in a dangerous direction. So I continued to lie to myself and others, sweeping my problems under the rug, then turning around and beating myself up about them.

Have you ever felt completely helpless? What helped you reconnect and find purpose?

None of these 5 things got through to me in my first class..but then again I am still working on some of them. I held onto mistakes I made for a while, but no more. Let go of things that no longer serve you. You cannot believe the weight that is lifted from your shoulders when you cease to carry unnecessary burdens. Lightness follows and there is a new crispness with each breath that passes your lips. Sometimes it is easier said than done. Return to your breath. There is so much love everywhere.